Another poem I found, titleless and without a date

A distant hum of music
surrounds itself with voices.
The summer closes, the darkness quickens.
Crickets, hidden in the night,
play their music.
The constant sound softens my thoughts,
breathing slows,
my heart is calm.
The altar, prepared for a king.
Candle scent lingers,
lights flicker.
Prepare yourself.
Enter within the mystery
the deep love of the divine.
The depths of the ocean and
the limitless night sky
cannot compare
to the love that is here.



(ps: this is one of my own poems that I found in my journal. I was written sometime in the fall of '08)

A Tug on the Heart

Let words ever linger on your lips
and the gaze of your eyes never faulter.
Your gentle touch, a soft summer breeze,
the whisper of your love a soothing melody.
In the secret of your heart I can be found.
You give yourself wholly,
asking me to do the same.
I seek rest in your spirit,
a peace that quenches my thirsting soul.

Not understanding...

How do you show someone you like them when it might not matter anyway? Or it's too late.

5 Love Languages

Today one of my housemates sent out these "tests" on the five love languages because she wanted to see what we all were (or what speaks to us more might be the better way to put it). The first website I went to was an actual quiz, the second was the website about the book The Five Love Languages. I had heard of the book before and maybe briefly heard about what they were, but now "how mine rank." It was somewhat difficult taking the quiz as a single woman because they are more directed for one to think about how they feel love from their significant other. So mine were more hypothetical, what I would look for, what I would prefer. My top answer was quality time. I find that spending quality time with another, having their undivided attention, is very important. I can certainly be those one-on-one moments, but I also think phone calls can be nice too, especially when the other person listens and really cares about what you have to say. The same goes for friendships. I love hanging around people, with large groups, but I need my one-on-one time with friends as well!

My second highest ranked was physical touch. I think this is more true in significant relationships than just friendships. Sometimes people (girls) can be too "touchy-feely" and that gets annoying. But in relationships with guys, physical touch can be a huge thing, whether it is just a simple hug or arms touching. But guys, be careful! I think this is true about most women, we will look too far into physical touch and think it means something when you may not have thought that at all! I mean, seriously, how many times have we, as women, gotten excited over a simple (and maybe even accidental) action of arms touching while sitting near a guy?

These certainly are interesting to know about, especially in the context of a significant relationship, I think they are very important to know. The other love languages (besides quality time and physical touch) are: words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and acts of service.

What's Wrong with our Country?

I was watching the election news tonight and saw that it wasn't going anywhere fast so I started flipping channels, seeing if anything else interesting was on. I flipped back to the station I was watching and saw Obama was elected... and that all happened within 5 or so minutes. I was so mad, still am, actually. I feel like crying for our country. Well, I guess we'll get to see if he upholds his words or if he really was just "talk" and rhetoric. As for the morals of our country... well, we're screwed. Pretty sure Obama is the number one supporter of Planned Parenthood. The thing I am scared and worried about the most is the Freedom of Choice Act. My heart is heavy with the election of Obama. We have to step up 20 notches in the pro-life movement. FOCA cannot be signed.

God is so Good

Wow. This journey I have been on has led me many places, I have certainly passed through trials, but joy has also captured my heart. Tonight I had one of those joyous moments where all I could explain was "God is so good."

I met this one girl about a year and a half ago when I was a junior at Saint Mary's. The following year she did NET, so I haven't had much contact with her. We're friends on facebook and through another friend commenting on a note she had written, I went to read it myself. It was this beautiful story on how she went through the consecration to Mary when she was 18 and decided she wanted to do it again. Things weren't working out for her when she wanted to re-consecrate herself to Jesus through Mary. Finally the time was right and it seemed like everything fell into place for an incredible day and Mary showed her, in many ways, that she was there for her. Simply stunning.

So then I was reading Divine Mercy in My Soul, the Diary by St. Faustina. I was also thinking about how we never know God's plans, but He always has the most wonderful plans for us. It is so hard when things don't go our way. We simply have to trust and Jesus will lead us to a glorious life full of wonderful surprises, and of course, his love. Anyway, one of the paragraphs I read tonight was about the vision St. Faustina had. The vision of Divine Mercy, with Jesus raising one arm in a blessing and the other touching his heart, with two rays coming out, one red and the other white (or blue). Jesus instructed St. Faustina to paint that image and underneath it, at the bottom, was to say "Jesus, I trust in You." Whoa! Wasn't I just thinking about trust? And all of a sudden I was reading this!?! I couldn't believe it! God is so incredibly good!

Cute Church Lady

Today I went to daily Mass at my parish (St. Andrew's, Fort Worth) and this wonderful old woman sat behind me. During the consecration she whispered "My Jesus." I'm not sure if she knew she was doing it out loud or not, or maybe that is just how she prays! It was beautiful though; similar to my non-verbal prayer of "My Lord and my God." After Mass some woman came and was talking with her, which was a tad distracting while trying to pray morning prayer, but when the other lady left this old woman said "She is precious. There are so many precious people in the world." Oh my goodness, was it ever cute and beautiful! By her simple acclamations I can tell this woman has a genuine love for everyone and a heart open to God's love and grace. She was very inspiring and she doesn't even know it.

Fort Worth has been great. I love my parish and the parish staff and I love the flexibility of working for the Church! I have tomorrow off and I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, but I think I'm going to hit up Mass at the Cathedral, then some shopping? One of my roommates and I are going to the Symphony tomorrow night with the young adult group from the area. I think that will be a lot of fun. I'm exhausted now and should probably get to bed!

Poem Time

I wrote this poem last summer, I think. Today I typed up all my poems into a Word document and it's 13 pages long, so that is pretty cool. I thought I'd share one of my poems now.

Summer Beginnings

The beginnings of summer sweep over the night

The warm still air seeps in through the open window

And the sleeves of a sweatshirt cover her sun-kissed arms.

Passively time ticks on

Being at home brings back memories:

Photographs of a childhood now gone

Journal entries of carefree high school days

Mental images of time spent with a boy

Who she thought was ‘the one.’

Many months are ahead, summer is only beginning

She gently lays her head on her pillow

For tomorrow is a new day

The rain has emptied itself and passed

The sun shall bring with it the morning.

How does that happen at grad school?

It turns out that I have a slightly injured back; how does that happen at grad school!?! I feel like I hardly did anything except sit in a classroom for way too long, every single day. I did enjoy some Echo volleyball about once a week, but I do not feel that was too strenuous. So anyway, I went to the chiropractor today and he said my lower back is injured, something about muscles and my spine. He told me I need to ice it, which I am doing now, and that I have to rest it... which means no running :( . I really wanted to get into running for the week I have left at home, but it doesn't look like that will be happening. Shoot dang!

I am home now, back in the great state of Wisconsin, but only for one week as of today. I have to pack up my life soon and figure out what I'm taking down to Texas. I don't even know where to begin with what to take because I will be there for two years, so I guess it is a matter of deciding what are the most important things. I mean...wow, I have to pack up and move down to Texas for two years! It seems like I should just be packing up for college again, but I won't really be home, and even when I come home I'll be flying in. Well, here I am, starting this new chapter in my life. Chapter 46: Conquering the Texas heat (and catechizing my way through life).

In the meantime, here at home, I hope to do a lot of reading. Right now I am reading The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. I read it once for a class, but I think that was 3 or 4 years ago. We talked about it in one of my classes this summer and other Echo people were saying how great it was, so that inspired me to pick it up again. It definitely is interesting, even finding the parallels between the imagery in this book and Heaven and Hell and looking at it on a deeper level. Sometimes I don't like reading books for class because I feel like I read the material to simply read it, I can't dive into it because there isn't enough time! I guess that is what the rest of life is for! I have several books I'd like to read, books I was supposed to read for class, but perhaps didn't quite do so. We'll see what all I can finish in one week at home. The Confessions is also on my list. Well, time to clean out my Echo binder then put the ice back on!

St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us!

Not really a Post

So I need to post something on here soon... it has been a long time! Over one month. Life has been great here at Notre Dame, doing the whole Echo thing. And right now I really need to get to bed because it's just after 2am with 10am Mass ahead for me!

Revelation of the Day

Today while I was driving back home after picking up some stuff from my dad's for my graduation party, I had a revelation. It isn't anything new, I know this about myself when I'm doing it, but today... I don't know, it just dawned on me that knowing this can affect how I work! I like to work by myself, without people around or others watching over me. It is why I was so overwhelmed while packing up to move out after graduation, because there was a TON of people around, and I can't work at my own pace, I felt rushed and that I had to be doing something. Even with planning stuff; I'm not much for group projects and I hope to have a lot of independence when I'm in Fort Worth so I can come up with my own ideas and implement them, and not having someone breathing down my back. I don't think it will be like that; we'll see! This week I've been (very slowly) cleaning up stuff from college; I have stuff all over my bedroom and the living room, plus the kitchen. I just get so unmotivated sometimes... I'll move like..4 things, and then take a break. It's kind of pathetic, actually! But hey, oh well. So tonight, I was telling my mom she should go to our old neighbors house, since they're getting together. She wanted to go in the first place, but we have this house to clean up. I told her to go, and I'd clean. Well, she didn't believe me! But really, I like to work best by myself. Hmm, maybe an aspect of it is so people can see the progress and be surprised. I don't know. Those were my thoughts of the day! I'm sure I had plenty more on my walk back from Mass this morning too. I've been trying to not drive my car, so I ride with my mom to work, go to Mass, and then walk home, which is about an hour walk. I get to save money and exercise! Awesome! Well, that is probably enough rambling for one day, plus I'm hungry and I think we're eating soon.

Our Lady of Perpetual Help, pray for us!

My Heart is Ready

First of all, I prayed the wrong morning prayer this morning because I had no idea what week we were in and I forgot about St. Mattias! And that it is a "high solemnity" as one friend told me. But, I'm kind of glad I prayed the wrong week, because the antiphons and canticle were perfect for me today. The first antiphon was "My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready." Before I continued on with the psalm I was like "whoa." It just fit so perfectly into my current situations. I kind of realized that no matter what happens in life, God prepares our heart for it. So this whole thing with a guy... whether we're going to move forward with a relationship or not, I have to trust that it be God's will. I've been praying about it so much and it has occupied my mind a lot these past few days. I know what I want, but I have no idea what God's plans are! I just have to trust and know that my heart will be taken care of by my Father.

Another think I thought about during the psalm was going to Texas. My heart is ready, God! Ok, maybe not... I just took a second to think about how I'll be leaving all I know to go to a state I've never been to before and to completely surrender over my will to abide by His and help bring others closer to God. In a sense, I know I am ready. I have strong friendships with people and I know God is watching over them, and that we'll keep in touch in our time away from each other. I'm ready to start my vocation as a minister to the Church; hopefully in youth ministry! God has kept me strong in so many situations, I know I'm ready to take on another one. I just have to keep trusting.

Real world, watch out, for my heart is ready!

Graduation... now what!?!

Well, I graduated on Saturday! It was such an overwhelming weekend! And I'm not only talking about the packing that I despised. Sr. Josie came for graduation, so she could graduate with her class! It was one of the most amazing things ever and such a blessing to see her, along with her Postulant Director and five other postulants.

The ceremony was wonderful. One cool part was before we even got inside the gymnasium, we had lined up for walking, and then all of the faculty and some staff walked through us, then they lined up and we walked through them, and we applauded each other. And simply walking into the gymnasium I was so overtaken with mixed emotions. All those people were here for us! The 2008 graduating class of Saint Mary's! I think I teared up a couple times during the ceremony, but nothing I couldn't blink away!

Afterwards at the reception was a lot of fun, and I didn't cry once there! I thought it was quite an accomplishment. haha. Later on that day though... saying bye to some friends was very difficult. I think our crying even made my mom tear up! The friendships made at college are one of a kind. Fr. Steffes, earlier this week, told me about staying close to those whom God wills for us to have a close relationship with. I wish I could remember more of what he said... but basically to trust in God to keep the friends close who will always be there. Maybe not physically, but, as a I told a friend last night, that is why cell phones were created! Praise God!

So... here I am, a college graduate.... at home. With TONS of stuff! AH! I'm so glad I don't have to be at any job right now, unlike some people! I can take this week to sort through stuff and clean up everything else. It certainly will be a large project, but what else am I supposed to do!?! Summer, here I come!

Texas... for 2 years

Yesterday I found out where I'll be placed for Echo... and I'll be in Texas. That was my absolute last preference... God, what are you trying to show me through this!?! I was really disappointed when I got the e-mail because I was really hoping to be placed in either Peoria or Milwaukee, NOT Texas, which is 16 hours from my home. I'm warming up to the idea now and I know that I'll be there for a reason. I was looking at the Fort Worth diocesan website and they do have a ton to offer for youth ministry, so that is probably one of the reasons I was sent down there. I already met the two women I'll be living with and they are both very sweet. A couple of things that I can look forward to are (hopefully) visiting a friend in Kansas on my drive down to Texas, and another friend lives in Texas; he used to go to Saint Mary's. So, I have a couple connections in the south. I'm curious about Catholicism down in the South. I approach my faith from a traditional background, and I know different diocese vary in some aspects. I'm sure I'll find out sooner or later, but I really hope there is a perpetual adoration chapel somewhere in Fort Worth! Anyway, I should really get working on my Christology rough draft...

Another Month

Again, another month has come and gone and I have neglected this blog of mine. Things have been quite crazy though! My thesis was "due" on Monday, but only for peer reviewing; we don't know when the actual due date is. T.E.C. 60 is also coming up, turns out it is this weekend! I'm the Spiritual Director for it so I have to work with the two co-leaders and also plan the prayer services throughout the weekend.

There have been moments when I've been pretty stressed out about stuff, but God suffices and He shows me that He is bigger than everything I bring to Him. Last week I had spiritual direction, but I didn't really want to go; I just wasn't "in the mood" or something, it was slightly strange. Turns out it was a very productive and spiritually uplifting meeting! I am very blessed to have Fr. Steffes as my spiritual director and I'm glad the Holy Spirit called me to be very open with him! I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart again during the two hour Divine Mercy Sunday prayer service. Towards the end of it Fr. Steffes and Fr. Melvin stood up front praying over people. I was up in the choir loft because I sang the Chaplet of Divine Mercy with some friends who played instruments and sang with me. I decided to walk down and I was the very last person and I truly felt God working through my heart while Fr. was praying over me, and I still can feel the effects of it! Praise God! It is amazing when you surrender ALL to Him.

I know this was a short update, but I should finish my letter to Sister Josie and get to bed! I've had some late nights recently.

St. Teresa of Avila, Pray for us!

flying fast

I cannot believe that it has been over a month since I posted last, this semester has been so busy with homework and everything that goes between that and classes and eating! Well, here is a huge update for my blog: I got accepted into Echo, a grad school program at Notre Dame! Last weekend I went for my interview and had a tour of campus, plus hung out with the other amazing applicants and the wonderful people who work with Echo through the university. I can't believe how huge and beautiful Notre Dame is! I am so excited to be there this summer!!! It's been awesome telling others that I got in and seeing them share my joy with me! Through summer classes and a few correspondence courses I will get a masters degree in theology, and also two years of experience at working in a parish while living in an intentional faith community with three other Echo apprentices during the school year. It's free, I will receive a stipend, and it's simply the best program for me out there! I should get to bed now so I can be refreshed for another day of classes and homework, loads of it.

Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

Let Him Love You

Your flaws, your mistakes,
the failures that you feel,
Let Him love you.

Your fear, your worry,
the confusion that's inside,
Let Him love you.

Your wounds, your scars,
the pain deep inside,
Let Him love you.

Your joy, your hope,
the love that flows through,
Let Him love you.

Your innocence, your gains,
the beauty that abounds,
Let Him love you.

Your heart, your mind,
the self that you find,
Let Him love you.

Happy secular New Year

haha oh man, so thinking about my title brought me back to memories of celebrating the Liturgical New Year on Dec. 1st. I love the Catholic Church. I suppose it's similar to how the Chinese have their own new year as well, and I'm sure others do too. But here it is, the start of a new year and the solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. I went to the vigil Mass last night so as it is 6:40 here in Wisconsin, I am still in my PJs! Gotta love it. I've been reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for most of the day and I also played my guitar for at least 45 minutes. After finishing another chapter in Book 7 of the Harry potter adventures I decided it was time to pray evening prayer and also read more from Isaiah. Have I mentioned in here that I love that book? Well, I do! Right now I'm at the part where it talks about the prophesies of the destruction of all these countries, so the words of Isaiah don't apply to me directly, but it is still a learning and prayerful experience and I am looking forward to getting to later chapters.

So last night... you know, I just don't understand the whole "bar scene." I would much prefer to be at home and have a drink or two, hanging with my really good friends. That or Jeffersons, where you can sit around, enjoying a Blue Moon, and chatting there too. My friend Angie, her boyfriend Jake, and I went to Menomonie to go to the bars there; to see two of their friends from school and later to see Angie's cousin and her friends. We went to LogJam pretty early, about 8ish and we all ordered a drink. There was hardly anyone there! But it was nice b/c the music was very low and we were able to talk without having to lean in or ask for repeats. After that we went to this guy's house, Angie's cousin's friend's place. We had a glass of wine there and chatted with them; it was a fun and interesting time. Just before 11 we headed back downtown and went to a bar, Lakeshore. There was hardly any room in there, they had a VERY inappropriate video played during this one song, and only three of Carrie's friends ordered drinks. We just stood around, moving every once in awhile when people wanted to pass by. We finally left and went back to LogJam, this time it was packed. Carrie knew a ton of people and was off saying Hi to them while Angie, Jake, and I stood around quite awkwardly! We laughed at the awkwardness of the situation though and made the best of it. We were there for the countdown and people all cheered when it hit midnight. We were all like, big deal, whoo hoo. It was so difficult to hear Angie and Jake talking and it was smelly from all the smoke. I just don't see the glamour in standing around yelling at your friends so they can hear you over the music! I probably never will either because I simply do not understand the concept of drinking to get drunk. I guess I'm blessed in that way that I never went through that phase; but on the other hand it's hard to see where these people are coming from in their excessive drinking. Oh well! Anyway, I think I'm going to try to unleash my creative side for a bit, and then get back to the guitar and Harry Potter (as well as Ron and Hermoine).